Project positivity

I have a lot of things to live for but honestly some days my depression is overwhelming.  I find myself so down some days that I can barely breathe and looking at the world around me it feels like I'm looking up at light from the bottom of a well.

I have no road map to save myself.

I've noticed lately the relentlessly negative everything that comes out of me.  Dressed up as cynical, sarcastic humour it's a litany of failure - a bitter insight into how much I'm not enjoying myself.

Since I can't change myself and much of my circumstance feels beyond my control I've decided to concentrate on what is in my control - how I express myself.  First of all, for my best friends, I've stopped pretending to be something I'm not.  I'm just telling them how it is. I'm not okay.  I don't know how to save myself. I wish you would just come over and hug me until I fall asleep.

But for everyone else...well that's where the biggest and hardest change of all is.  Even if I am dead miserable, I choose not to spread negative poison through the well so it infects the populace.  Nope.  Not a word.  So I've changed the things I post on Facebook, the way I talk to people, and dropped the pretty dressed-up misery.  I am big on faking it until you make it.

That same day I made this commitment to myself I found two things that made me go one step further.  The first was a woman who decided to do exactly what I'm doing with the specific goal in mind of finding someone to spend her life with.  And the second was a newspaper article about 100 Happy Days.  A commitment to take a photo a day of something you're grateful for.  I'm going to document my 100 Happy Days here in my blog and add a few more comments onto the brief blurbs that show up in Facebook.

I want to be a positive force for change in this world.  A light that shines for others even in the darkest of my nights.  It is time to get real with myself about my misery and the things I want to change and to begin sharing the things I love and am grateful.  100 Happy Days.  Maybe a lifetime of happy days and maybe, eventually someone to share it with.