Day Seven - My Whole World

These two are my whole world.  Having children means your life changes.  It isn't yours anymore.  You can't quit, you can't run away, you can't even spend the day in bed while they watch television purely because you're miserable.  But then...when you see a photo like this, why would you want to?

This was the day I couldn't really get out of bed.  Hours ticked by and I made token efforts.  Getting up to make a sandwich or disengage a fight but it was a token effort.  I was really struggling.  After a while this sort of caper starts to seem self-indulgent.  I remember being on the receiving end and I hate doing it to my kids.  So I clawed my way out of the hole and into my swimmers and drove to the closest place we could swim.  They never seem to notice how hard that can be for me - they just think I'm this awesome mother who does all this cool stuff with them.  It shames me.  Towards the end I was fading and Charlotte took over.  Taking her brother, helping him float, playing the little mother effortlessly while I laughed and took photos.

When she was born I realised that I owed her the best life I could give her which, to my mind, means being a stable foundation.  Suicide is forever off the table for me because I gave away the right to that when I had children.  I resent the hell out of that agreement with myself bitterly some days.  I want to check out. I've had enough.  They are all that holds me here - my anchor in the world.  And even then sometimes I have to be reminded that I'm bound.  For them I live.  For them I rise and fight...and wait for the day when it won't be so bloody hard anymore.