Day Nine - My Dad

THIS GUY.  After we went to Europe together and the state of my life and my mind became apparent he's taken more of an interest than ever before.  He feels like he dropped the ball - as though my misery and the failure of my marriage are something that he could have prevented.  I know he worries about me and I hate it.  74, living on a farm and managing on a pension, he constantly asks me if I need financial help and when I say no he peppers me with discount fuel vouchers, home grown produce and presents.  It makes my heart ache.  Today he brings me marigolds for my daughter's garden, peaches from his orchard and the ever-present fuel vouchers.  He grins at me over lunch, three teeth left on the bottom.  "Get yourself a chest freezer.  We've got a sheep with your name on it."  Organic grass fed lamb coming my way.  And then he shyly asks me if he can have prints of the photos I took in Europe.  Sure Dad, any enlargements?  Only you and me on the boat in Brugge.  The one where you look like yourself for the first time in years.  And maybe one of me with the brothers.  You got it Dad.

Our trip to Europe was an eye-opener for my Dad.  I'd obviously been covering things well because he knew I was unhappy and that there were issues in my marriage but he had no idea.  Charles lost control about a week into my trip away and there was no way for me to hide.  Dad saw the way I couldn't stop crying, he read the emails full of vitriol.  Rebow, he said firmly, this is abuse and you cannot allow this to continue.  I will not allow it to continue. I nodded, agreed not to speak to Charles anymore while we were away and started putting myself back together,  A week before we were due to come home Dad started to cry over his breakfast because he said he'd forgotten what I'm really like.  He hadn't seen me so happy and relaxed in years and he said I looked young again.  Like myself.  He begged me to not go back to Charles and the four-day long headache in the lead-up to the flight home told me he was right.



I decided to lay it out for Charles.  Apologise for the things I was sorry for and offer to start new.  I may as well not have bothered - he said he was done and as much as I was devastated, I was also relieved.

Dad calls at least once a week to make sure I'm okay.  It's a part of my shame that I make him worry about me.  I should be looking after him and not the other way around.  My God but I love him.  And for him as well as my kids I am strong and present in this world.  I keep this photo handy to remind me of why I can't go back and must never tolerate that kind of behaviour again.  Because I like being happy and I hate breaking my father's heart.

Day Eight - Charity

I've been thinking for a few days now about how to photograph the concept of charity - something I'm relying more heavily on these days due to circumstance.  This is an obvious representation of charity - beautiful things bought from the Salvos that I would never be able to afford brand new.  But there's a more subtle charity in this picture - those items are on the front seat of the CX7 my friend Erin loaned me while my car is out for the count.  It has been a sweet ride but tonight it goes back to her and Clare, a friend who knows very little about my driving ability, other than that I most recently annihilated wildlife with my own vehicle, is lending me yet another replacement car.  The final bit of charity in this photo is that those items were photographed with a phone and paid with money that were returned to me by another single mother when she found them where they'd fallen out of my bag inside the store.  I almost knocked her over when I hugged her in that heady rush of relief.  Today I am grateful for charity in all its forms.

As a side note to this photo - everything in this shot was practically brand new.  Almost no wear on the shoes and the lining in the handbag still bright and beautiful.  So what we have here is an Ooh la la handbag RRP $100, Laura Benini boots RRP $200+ and Diana Ferrari shoes $100+.  Over four hundred dollars of quality merchandise (so they say) for about $15.

Day Seven - My Whole World

These two are my whole world.  Having children means your life changes.  It isn't yours anymore.  You can't quit, you can't run away, you can't even spend the day in bed while they watch television purely because you're miserable.  But then...when you see a photo like this, why would you want to?

This was the day I couldn't really get out of bed.  Hours ticked by and I made token efforts.  Getting up to make a sandwich or disengage a fight but it was a token effort.  I was really struggling.  After a while this sort of caper starts to seem self-indulgent.  I remember being on the receiving end and I hate doing it to my kids.  So I clawed my way out of the hole and into my swimmers and drove to the closest place we could swim.  They never seem to notice how hard that can be for me - they just think I'm this awesome mother who does all this cool stuff with them.  It shames me.  Towards the end I was fading and Charlotte took over.  Taking her brother, helping him float, playing the little mother effortlessly while I laughed and took photos.

When she was born I realised that I owed her the best life I could give her which, to my mind, means being a stable foundation.  Suicide is forever off the table for me because I gave away the right to that when I had children.  I resent the hell out of that agreement with myself bitterly some days.  I want to check out. I've had enough.  They are all that holds me here - my anchor in the world.  And even then sometimes I have to be reminded that I'm bound.  For them I live.  For them I rise and fight...and wait for the day when it won't be so bloody hard anymore.

Day Six - Simple Pleasures

An early morning start, one of your best friends and a trip to the farmer's markets.  So much delicious, organic good food....and cupcakes!  And now home for a cooked breakfast.

Josh and I have both changed our diet a lot since we started taekwondo.  After-class Maccas gave way to Wok in a Box and Zambrero...and that in turn gave way to "let's just make something ourselves."  This was our first trip to the farmer's markets together for fresh, organic fruit, veg, meat and coffee.  Despite our commitment to living healthier lives, we still couldn't go past the cupcakes.  Oh my God, they were totally worth it.

Back home to the kids, Kat and Rowan, we cooked up a delicious cooked breakfast...

And then we tackled the garage together.

Another clean-up and hanging the bikes on hooks so our dojang will be one step closer to finished.  That night, tired and happy, I sent Josh a text thanking him for today.  I live for the days like this.  Just simple pleasures with good people.  The happiest of lives are not being played out on the front of magazines by those with more money than some countries.  They are the quiet moments in the lives and loves of ordinary people.

Day Five - Being the Boss

I haven't been a boss for long but I've been thinking about what makes a good boss for years.  The difference to me is that some people think that being a boss means people work for you...and some think being a boss means you work for them.  My staff are superstars.  They know the answers to almost all the questions and the ones they don't know that know how to go and find them.  I could never do my job without these amazing people and that means I have to work to be their champion, earn their respect and keep them happy.  One of them brought me flowers today so it is the perfect chance to acknowledge how much I love my team and how grateful I am for the privilege to be their boss and work for them.

Day Four - Even More Friends

Sometimes you can't catch a break.  You think things are as bad as they can be but you're coping.  Unfortunately suddenly it's worse and you realise you're not okay.  You're REALLY not okay.  But if you're me you have a friend who will follow your tears out to the dojang and another one who will show up with strawberries and almost a kilo of chocolate and then you can talk fighting styles, exercise, laugh and eat.  And instead of "why me" your last thoughts before you finally sleep will be "I'm so damn lucky and God I love you guys."

Generally I think guys have an unfair reputation as not being sensitive.  It's certainly not my personal experience.  Rowan is on the right.  He is the husband of Kat and they live with me at the moment while they're building their own house.  Rowan and I were never really close but I've always admired who he is from the distance that is the intense relationship I have with his wife.  Having them move in with me - getting to know him has been one of the unexpected joys.  He has infinite patience and understanding, a killer self-insight and a way of seeing right to the heart of other people and their faults, flaws and failings that would be cutting if it was a gift of anyone less sensitive.  It is a pleasure to rank him on par with his wife in the friendship rankings.

Josh is on the left.  Josh started martial arts at about the same time as I did.  He's done martial arts before, just like me, and it didn't take us long to realise we were pretty evenly matched.  We partnered a lot, pushed each other and often wound up eating dinner or training on at home together after class.  I can't think of any other way that we might have met but two years on I know I can't walk this world without him.  If it wasn't for him I'd literally be dead.

Day Three - Friends

Friends.  People who love you when you succeed.  People who love you even harder when you fail.  People who know you through and through and love you anyway.  It's only in this past year or two that I've really learned what it means to be friends and, beyond that, who my friends really are.  I have amazing friends.  Friends who post stuff on my wall, who hold me when I cry, meet me for lunch, make me breakfast, tell me when I'm wrong and back me when I'm right.  Friends who understand and friends who don't but try anyway.  My friends are like blood, water and air.  Necessary for life and beyond that, happiness.

Kat, on the right is pregnant and due in March (!).  Erin is on the right and that's her car behind them...the car she loaned me right after I used mine to euthanise a skippy. :-(

Day Two - New Beginnings

Day two is a lesson in why I'm doing 100 Happy Days.  To identify those things I'm grateful for even when things are bleak - to find the light in the darkness.  Today I received my decree absolute - my marriage is officially over.  I took out my wedding ring, dusted off this frame and took this photo.  I'll never wear that ring again and now the frame holds a photo of me with the kids.  I'm hurt, I'm disillusioned, I'm even wondering if I've lost my faith in love.  But still...I'm grateful for the time we had together, for the children we bore...and for a new beginning.

Day One - Taekwondo

"Today I am grateful for taekwondo.  For the sweat and the smell and the ability to feel comfortable in a body that works and does what I want.  For being able to train properly now that my foot has mostly healed.  For being fit enough to break a sweat but never be out of breath all the way through two hours of class.  For the flexibility to deliver one turning kick after another at my own head height and the power to knock over the tower when I do it.  For friends who understand my obsession and serve as my training partners, peers and teachers.  And for aviators which make me feel like a total bad arse when I limp barefoot out of the dojang with the most appalling sweat marks.  Today I'm grateful for taekwondo...passion and dedication."

I broke my foot training for NSW State Championships in November.  Since I break things a lot doing taekwondo, I didn't really think much about it - I just strapped it up with electrical tape* and kept training.

 That was a massive mistake.  A month later I had my gold medal for State and I was training for the lead-up to my first black belt grading.  I need four to qualify.  I was chewing anti-inflammatories, icing it, strapping it...but I could barely walk.  I needed time off.  I took a month as soon as I passed my grading.  It turned into six weeks.

My depression comes back when I don't train.  Training is my medication and my meditation.  My mind goes blank, I focus and my body flows.  I come off the dojang floor and I feel at peace.  Without it I go nuts.  Apart from missing the intensity there's also all the creeping fears and doubts.  Am I going to lose condition?  How much weight am I going to put on?  What happens if it doesn't get better?  How long is this going to take?

The first night back I had to sit out for the last ten minutes of class but I was elated.  It hurt but not anywhere near what it had - the deep ache of recovered injury being tested not the sharp bite of re-injury.  And I could do it.  I sweated but I wasn't out of breath.  The scales show some weight gain but doubtless it will come off fast when I'm back to full strength.  The first of 100 Happy Days.

*  Cheaper than athletic tape and comes off easily.

Project positivity

I have a lot of things to live for but honestly some days my depression is overwhelming.  I find myself so down some days that I can barely breathe and looking at the world around me it feels like I'm looking up at light from the bottom of a well.

I have no road map to save myself.

I've noticed lately the relentlessly negative everything that comes out of me.  Dressed up as cynical, sarcastic humour it's a litany of failure - a bitter insight into how much I'm not enjoying myself.

Since I can't change myself and much of my circumstance feels beyond my control I've decided to concentrate on what is in my control - how I express myself.  First of all, for my best friends, I've stopped pretending to be something I'm not.  I'm just telling them how it is. I'm not okay.  I don't know how to save myself. I wish you would just come over and hug me until I fall asleep.

But for everyone else...well that's where the biggest and hardest change of all is.  Even if I am dead miserable, I choose not to spread negative poison through the well so it infects the populace.  Nope.  Not a word.  So I've changed the things I post on Facebook, the way I talk to people, and dropped the pretty dressed-up misery.  I am big on faking it until you make it.

That same day I made this commitment to myself I found two things that made me go one step further.  The first was a woman who decided to do exactly what I'm doing with the specific goal in mind of finding someone to spend her life with.  And the second was a newspaper article about 100 Happy Days.  A commitment to take a photo a day of something you're grateful for.  I'm going to document my 100 Happy Days here in my blog and add a few more comments onto the brief blurbs that show up in Facebook.

I want to be a positive force for change in this world.  A light that shines for others even in the darkest of my nights.  It is time to get real with myself about my misery and the things I want to change and to begin sharing the things I love and am grateful.  100 Happy Days.  Maybe a lifetime of happy days and maybe, eventually someone to share it with.