Today I snapped. Again. I've been crying ever since. See my sister-in-law was pregnant and I had a niece on the way. Like all my previous nieces and nephews I said I'd make her a quilt and took her shopping for fabrics. Know how I found out my niece had been born? Because my ex called me to say he was going to go and introduce his new "partner" to the baby and he wanted to make sure I wasn't going to be there when he did. Didn't even know she'd been born. Still don't know her name or any other details about her birth. Guess I'll pop the quilt in the post if I can bring myself to finish it. Cannot believe his "partner" of six weeks has met the niece I don't even know the name of. Still don't know what the right etiquette is. Do I send an SMS saying congratulations, hope it all went well?
Yesterday my brother-in-law had a family dinner to say goodbye before he goes off to rehab. Not invited. Haven't seen him since. Assume he's gone but no way to know. The final straw came today. I was doing more cleaning and decided to run a few bags of clothes that Charlotte has grown out of over to my other sister-in-law. When I got there I found out my former mother-in-law is across from Perth to see the new baby because she was there. I didn't know that either. In that moment it hit me. I have not just lost my husband, I've lost my family too. I'm totally out of the loop and not even an after-thought. I couldn't help it - I started to cry and I fled.
My sister-in-law sent me an SMS asking me if I was okay and saying they're here for me but I find it hard to believe at the moment. I am so fucking hurt. I've been a part of that family for over ten years and it feels like they, just like Charles, have switched track without a backward glance. I feel disposable all over again. I am trying to tell myself that it must be hard for them. That it's tricky to balance the new dynamic, hard to know what the right thing to do is. But in my head I am going over all the times I've put myself out there for them and in my heart I'm broken.
I think I might be becoming toxic and bitter and I hate myself for it. *sigh*
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