I started this new blog because I like to write about my experiences and I think it's important that people see what others are going through - I think we all harbour that fear that we're the only ones that feel a certain way, the only ones struggling with our insecurities while everyone around us has this fabulous life experience where they feel confident and happy 24/7.
The trouble is that my husband and I are going through the process of separation and divorce...and I have trouble knowing where the line is and what I should or shouldn't say here. I have taken the trouble of only inviting people to this blog who don't really know him. I haven't even shared this blog with my own family because I don't want his relationships with people to be tainted by my opinion because, let's face it, this is my blog and therefore it is my opinion by definition. But still I've been largely silent and restrained myself from writing about these things.
Which brings me to this post. I don't want to feel like I can't be open and honest. I want to be able to write about what I'm going through. So here is my divorce disclaimer. I love my husband so much. I miss him every day. I do not regret our marriage. But I've come to see that he is a different person now from the man I married. Five years of dealing with his depression has worn me down to nothing and I've become broken.
We have both done incredibly crappy things to each other but I like to think that much of that is a product of the circumstances we found ourselves in. I've actually admitted my fault to him and apologised*. I am doing my best to be happy about the fact that he has chosen to move on with someone new rather than try and fix things between us. That part is really hard for me. I threw myself against the wall of his depression for so long and forgave him so much it was a shock to have him tell me he couldn't forgive me, he deserved better than me and he was going to go and find it. The truth is that I don't really like who he has become and I don't want to be married to this version of him. I am disappointed in the way he's behaved and the things he's said and done. I imagine he would say the same of me.
BUT I am trying to see that he is a different person from me. And it probably would have been healthier and better for me had I walked away from him and his issues the way he has done to me.
So please, as you read this blog, understand that what I have to say about my ex goes through a filter and is my opinion only. I am sure he can tell you all the things that are wrong with me. In fact, I've kept all the emails where he tells me what a fuck-up I am and all the things I did wrong. I'd be happy to forward them so you can see his opinion, from the horse's mouth in rich, live technicolour. Anyway, there's the disclaimer. I am trying my best to remember what I loved about him in the past and to see echoes of that man in the one I have to deal with now. But this is my blog. These are my thoughts. And I'm not censoring myself anymore.
* He did not reciprocate and when I said he deserved better he said, "Yes, I do" and moved on.
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