Strive to be happy

Before my girl was born, I was not a morning person.  But waking up, even at four in the morning, to a sunny little personality who is just so obviously delighted to see you would shame the tardiest, grumpiest wombat into changing their morning attitude. Who on earth can maintain a sour mood in the face of that? 

I might be a morning person now but unfortunately now that she's older Madam often wakes with a different sort of attitude.  She growls at me for waking her, she growls at me for prompting her about what she'd like for breakfast and lunch, she hates me brushing her hair...the list of things Mum does wrong in the morning is endless.  As a rule I try to make the house a happy place by being a happy person.  I sing and dance while I cook, I chat to the kids, I do stupid things with the eggs and I chase them every chance I get.  But maintaining that in the face of a constant grump is trying and it wears you down.  Often I'd finish the school run and need a few moments to just breathe and collect myself before heading to work.


One morning as Charlotte ranted at me about all the ways I was hurting her with the hair brush I'd suddenly had enough.  The entire morning had been one thing after another and the anxiety of being constantly berated wasn't something I was willing to bear a moment longer from anyone - not even my beautiful little girl.

I put the hairbrush down with a snap, sat down on the edge of the bath and turned her around to face me so we were eye to eye.  This, I told her, is an important moment and I need you to listen very carefully because what I'm going to say matters.  I waited for her to nod her acknowledgment and then I asked her if she'd ever tried to continue to be happy when someone was constantly yelling at her and telling her all the things she was doing wrong.  She nodded slowly, looking instantly remorseful and I asked her if she felt a terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach when that happens - does it feel like you're being eaten from the inside out?  And again she nodded.  Well, I said, that's how I feel when it happens to me too.  When you treat me this way - tell me all the things I do wrong, yell, criticise, I feel thoroughly miserable.  I want the people I love happy and I feel like a failure when I can't do anything right.

In this house, I told her, we love and care about each other and we all want to be happy.  So we do not yell.  We do not whinge.  We do not complain.  We do not criticise.  If we have a problem then we talk about it respectfully and we solve it together because that's what you do when you love people and that's how you find happiness and hold onto it.  I told her I love her and that I will do everything I can to help her fix any problem she has in life - starting with making her whatever breakfast she asks for because I want her to go to school feeling warm, full and nourished. She threw her arms around me then and told me that she was sorry and that she loves living in a house with a happy Mama who looks after her.  Since then she's been making a real effort to be sunnier in the mornings.  She doesn't always get there but usually in the face of my singing, tickling and in general all the nonsense I can muster (commentating her putting her shoes on, cheering when she's ready to go, etc), she manages to turn it around at some point and by the time we leave the driveway she's smiling despite herself. 

This morning was my big moment.  She turned into the cuddles and kisses I delivered to wake her, smiling in her sleep and nuzzling me back.  She thanked me for bringing her her clothes so she could get dressed under the covers and stay warm.  Please Mama, can I have a soft boiled egg with toast soldiers for breakfast?  You betcha sweetheart, get dressed and I'll go make it for you.  And it was like that all morning,  I sang and chatted with them both while I made breakfast and lunch, both kids cuddled me and each other as they went about their business and when it was time to leave I took a moment to do the usual spot check before leaving the driveway. 

Are we full?  Yes. 
Are we dressed?  Yes. 
Are our shoes on? Yes. 
Teeth brushed and faces washed? Yep. 
Hair done?  Yep. 
Seat belts on?  Yes Mama. 
Are we happy?  YES! 

At school she asked me to drop her in the first carpark so she could walk to school and read her book.  She donned her backpack before leaning back into the car to cuddle her brother goodbye - something that can mean the difference between tears and smiles for him when we leave her.  Giggling because he didn't want to let her go and she had to extract herself, she shut the car door before wrapping her arms tightly around me for a farewell hug. 

"Mama, can I tell you something?" 
"Always baby, hit me with it." 
"You are a much better Mama when you're happy and I appreciate all the things you do to make me have a great day.  I liked you waking me up, I liked getting dressed in bed and my breakfast was delicious.  And I really like how you always get out of the car to hug and kiss me goodbye - it makes me feel loved and my friends notice because none of their parents ever has time to say goodbye properly." 

As the tears stung my eyes I held her hard and told her all the things she'd done that morning that would mean her brother and I went out into the day feeling fantastic.  I called her my little ray of sunshine and told her I'll always work to keep her happy so she can keep shining.  I told her I was proud to have her as my daughter and I hoped her day would be awesome but even if it wasn't I would be in a good mood when I picked her up and we would have a good time to make up for it at home. 

Sometimes it can be very easy to forget just how much our own mood and attitude impacts those around us. Don't forget.  It matters.